Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Reading the Obituaries



It's been a while since I posted a blog. So, let's talk about something cheerful. Like death, for instance.

Occasionally, I find it interesting to comb through the obituary columns to see who has died recently. Some may consider this a morbid pastime, but for me it is the modern-day equivalent of the old Buddhist practice of spending nights in a charnel house. First, it reminds me how lucky I am to be alive; and secondly, it is a reminder of those folks who have in some way influenced me during my half-century-plus on this spinning rock. (It is also much more pleasant, and less stinky than spending a night in an actual charnel house. The only contact I allow myself with deceased bones is when I'm giving one to my dog. Otherwise, things gets a bit complicated, and the police tend to get involved. Trust me on this.)

So which persons of note have shuffled off their mortal coil in 2015 thus far? By the way, this list excludes all politicians, since I can't think of a single one during my lifetime that has made a positive contribution to my existence - except insofar as they provide a behavioural model not to be followed.

Here is my list, and what the individuals concerned taught me...

Terry Pratchett (66) - author of the Discworld novels - "Sometimes fantasy is more real than reality"
Dave Mackay (80) - Scottish footballer - "You can eat pork pies and still be a professional athlete"
Alan Howard (77) - English actor - "Shakespeare can be sexy"
Louis Jourdan (93) - French actor - "Not all French people are bad, and some of them can act"
Colleen McCullough (69) - author of The Thorn Birds - "Crying at a book is OK"
Leonard Nimoy (83) - American actor - "If you live long enough, you prosper"
Anita Ekberg (83) - Swedish-Italian actress - "Busty ladies look great in fountains"
Demis Roussos (68) - Egyptian-born Greek singer - "Anybody can sing, even when they can't"
Geraldine McEwan (82) - British actress - "Style never goes out of fashion"

OK, and now a word from our sponsor. Well, from me.

If you're depressed - and you should be after reading the above - here's something to cheer you up (or not). The prequel to my 'Time, Blood and Karma' series - entitled A Poison Tree - is available FREE on Amazon Kindle worldwide*** from 31 March to 4 April. And, of course, there's some untimely deaths in it. Popular links below. Enjoy (or not, as is your wont).

*** except in China, where they think I'm a dick, allegedly.

USA - Kindle USA

UK - Kindle UK

Canada - Kindle Canada

Australia - Kindle Australia

Yes, it really is free. There is no catch, and no salesmen will call. Honest.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Vaginas


Being a resident of the Land of Ladyboys - i.e. Thailand - I guess it was inevitable that sooner or later I was going to write a blog post about vaginas.

Well, maybe not inevitable, but likely.

Now for you guys who think, "Clitoris = A Roman General", there is not going to be much in this post to give you much assistance in finding the G-spot (which is not something to do with the velocity required to escape the Earth's atmosphere, by the way).

Science. This week I'm being scientific. Sort of.

My weary eyes were recently taken with the following headline:

ADVANCEMENTS IN REGENERATIVE MEDICINE HAVE MADE ARTIFICIAL VAGINAS A POSSIBILITY

We're talking prosthetics. Apparently. Here's how you make one, just in case you're stuck for something to do this weekend.

"You take cells from external genitalia and you ... create this scaffolding that you place the cells on, and then you implant it to actually create the cavity, and the body takes to it. Two of the the four women that have undergone this procedure at Wake Forest [University] were able to menstruate."

So, gentlemen, there you have it. Easy. Women are now officially redundant. Make one and keep it in your fridge - not in your freezer, obviously - for those evenings when there is nothing much on the TV. Buying dinner in expensive restaurants just to get laid is now a thing of the past. Plus, no mother-in-law, aggravation at forgetting birthdays, etc.

I gather Hollywood is going to make a film about it, entitled "Field of [Wet] Dreams II". The best line will no doubt be, "If you build it, they will come."

Isn't progress wonderful? Sort of.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Guess What?



Guess what?
"What?" I hear you reply, somewhat grumpily.
Well, I'll tell you.
"Get on with it, then," you say, "I have things to do."
The first book in my 'Time, Blood and Karma' series is free on Amazon from 16-20 January.
"And you expect me to download a copy, I suppose."
That would be nice.
You sigh in resignation. "OK, what's the damn thing called?"
It's called 'Everyone Burns' and it's about this English detective who's hiding out in Thailand ---
"Spare me the sales pitch, just give me the links so I can get on with my day."
OK, here they are:-

Amazon USA http://www.amazon.com/Everyone-Burns-Time-Blood-Karma-ebook/dp/B008I6GXM2/ref=la_B008IIERF0_1_1_title_0_main?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1421396128&sr=1-1

Amazon UK http://www.amazon.co.uk/Everyone-Burns-Time-Blood-Karma-ebook/dp/B008I6GXM2/ref=sr_1_1_twi_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1421390847&sr=1-1&keywords=everyone+burns

"Right, got it."
It's also available on all other Amazon sites worldwide.
You curl your lip. "Fascinating. Are we finished here now?"
Well, you know that twenty quid I loaned you ---?
"Don't push your luck."
Right then, we're finished.