Wednesday, August 20, 2014

The Tale of Percival, the Very Special Pig

Once upon a time, on the Holland family farm, there lived a pig called Percival.

Percival was a very special pig, and the Holland family held him in great affection.

One sunny, hot day in August, a visitor came to the farm. He was an old school friend of Farmer Holland and, as they had not seen each other in years, the two men embraced warmly. As I mentioned, it was a very hot day, so it would have been difficult for them to embrace any other way.

The farmer's friend - whose name was Peter - was given a tour of the farm, and it was then he encountered the very special pig, Percival, for the first time.

"That pig," said Peter, pointing at Percival. "He only has one eye and three legs. Moreover, I see his back is wreathed in bandages."

"Aha!" exclaimed the farmer. "That is Percival. He is a very special pig. Let me tell you all about him.
"Some years ago, my youngest daughter fell in the river, and he jumped into the flowing water, and pulled her to safety."

"That was a very special thing to do," said Peter, impressed.

"And not only that, but when we had a fire in the farmhouse, it was Percival that raised the alarm, and saved us all from perishing in our beds."

"Wow!" said Peter.

"And on yet another occasion, he scared away some burglars by leaping on them in the barn and emitting terrifying oinks."

"You must be so proud of him," said the visitor, and the farmer nodded.

"But tell me, why does he only have one eye and three legs? And why is his back swathed in bandages?"

"Ah," replied the farmer, touching the side of his nose with his finger. "A special pig like Percival, you do not eat him all at once."

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Meet My Main Character Blog Tour: David Braddock

The novelist, Billy Ray Chitwood, who I thought was my friend - but more of that in a minute - has tagged me in one of these blogger-passes-baton-to-blogger Internet wotsits.

The 'wotsit', as students of the Oxford English Dictionary will know, is the virtual equivalent of the thingumybob. For those of you old enough to remember the days when the postman brought your mail (and your dog bit him for his trouble), think 'chain letter'. Yup, that's right. When we writers have a dip in morale, we round up a gaggle of fellow delusional penmen and corral them into writing a post about something-or-other. It's a bit like a farmer's dog herding sheep into an ink-soaked coffin.

At this point, I'd like to write some clever literary metaphor about the Field of Wet Dreams, but after two beers, I'm not big on invention today. So, before the Plain English campaigners start hurling abuse in my direction, let me explain this in words that even a politician would understand.

The redoubtable Mr. Chitwood has nominated me and four other victims (sorry, I mean human sacrifices) to answer seven questions about a main character in one of our novels. Each one of us in turn then thinks of five people we don't like, and so the whole shameful saga continues until the world is plunged into anarchy and despair.

For my part, I'll deal with the questions with the same alacrity and enthusiasm a tree sloth would demonstrate when presented with the opportunity to go Jello wrestling in an Arizona cat-house. My conscience, however, prohibits me from passing on this poison chalice further. OK, I exaggerate slightly. Anyone who knows me will be well aware of the fact that I don't have a conscience, while the rest of you will be wondering when the hell I will just get on with it and answer the damn questions.

I should warn you first, however, that not all the answers will be truthful. If they were, nobody would buy my books and I'd be trapped in Blogger Hell for the rest of my life.

OK, OK, I'm getting to it. Sheesh, you guys are tetchy. Here's a cute picture of a cat to calm you down. And no, it's not my cat. I don't know whose cat it is. Neither do I care much.

My character is David Braddock, the protagonist in my mystery novel, Everyone Burns.

1. Tell us a little about this main character. Is he fictional or a historical person?
Well, duh. It's a novel, so he's fictional. Who makes these questions up (if anyone)?

2. When and where is the story in Everyone Burns set?
It's set in Thailand in 2005, just after the tsunami. For those who don't know, Thailand is in South East Asia - although if you don't know that it's pretty unlikely you will have read this far anyway. You'll be off chasing butterflies or wondering if the rocks in your cave are edible.

3. What should we know about him?
He's a burned-out private detective who has fled to Thailand for reasons I can't disclose without having to kill you afterwards. His inside leg is 32" and his favourite colour is black - like his lungs. (Yes, he's a heavy smoker. Shoot me.)

4. What is the main conflict? What messes up his life?
Everything. You name it, it messes up his life.

5. What is his personal goal?
To make sure the Police Chief doesn't find out he's sleeping with his wife. And maybe solve some grisly murders along the way.

6. What are the titles of your novels and where can we read more about them?
Ah, now you're talking!
The first three books in the Time, Blood and Karma series are Everyone Burns, Hungry Ghosts and A Poison Tree. Braddock features in all of them. You can find them (and me) on Amazon by clicking here. If you're with Amazon Prime or Amazon Unlimited, you can download them for free. How cool is that?
If you live in the UK, you can still grab a freebie short story, Jim Fosse's Expense Claim, by clicking here. It won't make up for the lousy weather, but it might make you chuckle for ten minutes. Longer if you're a slow reader.
If you're a real glutton for punishment, you can go to my website and learn all about my series and my unsavoury lifestyle in the Land of Smiles. Click - yes, you've guessed it - here.

7. When can we expect your next book to be published?
I have a novel that I'm co-authoring with thriller writer, Fiona Quinn, coming out in the autumn. It's entitled Chaos is Come Again, and I'm very excited about it. I do get excited about some things. Honestly. It's a noir comedy with elements of gothic and just downright crazy.
Book four in my mystery series - Running on Emptiness - will be out in 2015.

Phew! Have we done? Time for another beer.

And, Billy Ray? I do love you really, buddy.